I am not engaged... not even close.
My brother called me tonight, after supressing the urge from 2:30 this morning to call. He read my blog early this morning and was convinced I was engaged (or at least was asked) and had neglected to tell him. Just in case you had the same thought I'd like put you at ease... I'm not :) And! If I were, and you read this blog... you'd probably among the first to know!
I'm off to a goodbye party for my friend Chelsea. She's moving to Australia tomorrow! Crazy! Afterward we might be headed to one of my and my roommates favorite places in San Diego- Incahoots for some good ol line dancing! YEE HAW!
P.S. I went to the bay and walked this morning... if you live in San Diego and haven't walked around the bay- go do it! Its a really nice walk... if you can get over the sound from the freeway ;)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
African Relections, more to come
January 17 2008, 5 months from the day I left Malawi, Africa. I feel like I am just beginning to process the chaos and beauty I experienced for two of the shortest and longest months of my life. Will I ever fully process my experiences in Malawi? I don’t believe I will. They were times that challenged me beyond belief, exposed me to unimaginable heartache and accustomed me to a love I had yet to know.
I absolutely love to talk about Malawi and Africa as a whole. I thrive off questions, good and specific questions. Teaching people about the realities of Africa, poverty and the joy of salvation I experienced there gives me life. My time in Africa was not spiritually filling like my time in Mexico almost always is but it was spiritually real. The reality of death in Africa is so much more vibrant than it is here and that is depressing when you realize so many of the dead had tribal beliefs and were likely unsaved. At the same time the reality of death brings a joy of salvation we aren’t blessed with in North America. When death is real life is real and I long for nothing more in my life than a true sense of reality… I think. Authenticity is what I love and that is what I got.
In one of my pre-Africa journal entries I write, “where you lead, I will follow- scared and excited”. That is still my montra but now I am unsure of the path. In May I knew I was headed to Malawi, confident in God’s lead but now I sit in my beautiful, ridiculous, room temperature house wondering where I’m going. Where ever it is I long for it to be drenched in His presence. I was so afraid that I was called to full time missions then. Now I feel like I’m ready to go- I just am not sure that’s where I’m supposed to go. I sit in limbo wondering. If full time missions is it then God, lets go. It will hurt, it takes time, Malawi taught me many realities of full time missions. If that is my future I’m ready to go. I just long for the go ahead. I feel like I’m sitting stagnant at a fork with two amazing, beautiful and vibrant paths ahead of me. Each filled with much joy, hardship and love. How do I know which one is for me? Are they both for me and God will be wherever I am? Is it like choosing a college? Pray over it, make some pro and con lists, think a little logistically and go? They are just so drastically different- much more different than San Diego State or Sac State. Every single thing would be different. I know that in what seems like no time I will be looking back at this entry and thinking- why was I freaking out. God is good and so is His work in my life. I was headed in the right direction. I trust in that now. I just get stuck in thinking about where I will be looking back from. Will it be a humble shack in Malawi or Mexico as I relax with my missionary husband after spending all my energy loving on the oppressed and sick? Or will it be from my cozy bed in the U.S. as I consider raising a family near my own? Both will be filled with love, passion and energy. That’s how I live but they are night and day. I feel like this is the turning point- I am at the edge of something beautiful, it’s just over the horizon but when will I catch a glimpse of what’s to come?
In another journal entry I ask God to reveal to me the places I run to when I want to hide from God or His calling. Am I hiding? Is that why I can’t decide? I still pray Lord, they my heart is yours first. I used to think I wanted You to have it first because You wouldn’t let it break. That’s not true. You will, for the things that break yours and I continue to pray what I have prayed since high school. Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours. I desire more than anything to be motivated by what motivates You. I long to make change where you desire to see it. If that motivation comes from a broken heart then bring on the breaking. I want to love how you love and teach what You teach. You are my Master, Healer, Redeemer, Father, Lover, Friend. You are good and faithful. Teach me what I need to learn and may my desire to learn from You never be fully quenched.
I absolutely love to talk about Malawi and Africa as a whole. I thrive off questions, good and specific questions. Teaching people about the realities of Africa, poverty and the joy of salvation I experienced there gives me life. My time in Africa was not spiritually filling like my time in Mexico almost always is but it was spiritually real. The reality of death in Africa is so much more vibrant than it is here and that is depressing when you realize so many of the dead had tribal beliefs and were likely unsaved. At the same time the reality of death brings a joy of salvation we aren’t blessed with in North America. When death is real life is real and I long for nothing more in my life than a true sense of reality… I think. Authenticity is what I love and that is what I got.
In one of my pre-Africa journal entries I write, “where you lead, I will follow- scared and excited”. That is still my montra but now I am unsure of the path. In May I knew I was headed to Malawi, confident in God’s lead but now I sit in my beautiful, ridiculous, room temperature house wondering where I’m going. Where ever it is I long for it to be drenched in His presence. I was so afraid that I was called to full time missions then. Now I feel like I’m ready to go- I just am not sure that’s where I’m supposed to go. I sit in limbo wondering. If full time missions is it then God, lets go. It will hurt, it takes time, Malawi taught me many realities of full time missions. If that is my future I’m ready to go. I just long for the go ahead. I feel like I’m sitting stagnant at a fork with two amazing, beautiful and vibrant paths ahead of me. Each filled with much joy, hardship and love. How do I know which one is for me? Are they both for me and God will be wherever I am? Is it like choosing a college? Pray over it, make some pro and con lists, think a little logistically and go? They are just so drastically different- much more different than San Diego State or Sac State. Every single thing would be different. I know that in what seems like no time I will be looking back at this entry and thinking- why was I freaking out. God is good and so is His work in my life. I was headed in the right direction. I trust in that now. I just get stuck in thinking about where I will be looking back from. Will it be a humble shack in Malawi or Mexico as I relax with my missionary husband after spending all my energy loving on the oppressed and sick? Or will it be from my cozy bed in the U.S. as I consider raising a family near my own? Both will be filled with love, passion and energy. That’s how I live but they are night and day. I feel like this is the turning point- I am at the edge of something beautiful, it’s just over the horizon but when will I catch a glimpse of what’s to come?
In another journal entry I ask God to reveal to me the places I run to when I want to hide from God or His calling. Am I hiding? Is that why I can’t decide? I still pray Lord, they my heart is yours first. I used to think I wanted You to have it first because You wouldn’t let it break. That’s not true. You will, for the things that break yours and I continue to pray what I have prayed since high school. Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours. I desire more than anything to be motivated by what motivates You. I long to make change where you desire to see it. If that motivation comes from a broken heart then bring on the breaking. I want to love how you love and teach what You teach. You are my Master, Healer, Redeemer, Father, Lover, Friend. You are good and faithful. Teach me what I need to learn and may my desire to learn from You never be fully quenched.
“I call, You answer and you came to my rescue and I want to be where You are”.
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