Last night I got to talk to my good friend Dan for a fantastic two hours. Dan knows me well, he loves me and cares for me well. We spent the summer together in Malawi and ironically have talked about our experiences very litle. Last night he asked me (again) the question that seems impossible for me to answer- what do I want?
Here's my easy answer... I want to be in God's will and know it. Even as I type that I know it's a cop out. True, yes but not the whole truth. That's not even an answer, what am I thinking? Why do I have such trouble answering that question? Am I afraid of my own answer? Am I afraid to dream it? Probably. Dan kept telling me, Man P you're in the best place ever, you have every option available. I remember crying on the phone to my amazing brother before I left for Africa. I felt like I had nothing to come home to. He made Dr. Hokoda proud and reframed my negative thinking telling me that I had everything to come home to, anything. Why isn't that exciting for me? It should be! Am I avoiding my own responsibility in it? If I try something and it's not perfect then it's not my fault, I didnt chose it. I don't think I'm afraid of failing... then what is it?
I know my next step in life is a stage. All of life is- little steps and stages put together to make a beautiful and hopefully faithfully used God-given time on earth. I know in my head that whatever I end up doing next is not what I have to do forever. I could, like Dan suggested, go back to Africa for a few years and then come back.
Dan will be talking at some conference about what team leaders can do to prepare their teams traveling to Africa. Here's what I don't think I could have heard enough- most people don't really care about your experiences in Africa. I think most people care a little but don't know how to ask the right questions to hear about it. They want to see one or two pictures of the cute snotty nosed orphan without shoes and they want to hear, "it was amazing, it changed my life, they have so little but are so happy" bla bla bla. Does anyone really have that report when they come back? ... that was tangent.
Oprah a few days ago was about the law of attraction and the power of possitive thinking. A little cooky, yes, and a bit off but almost inline! How do get what we want and know we got what we wanted if we didnt know we wanted it. Flood encourages us to make "dream boards" or what they called on the show "vision boards". You cut out images and words from magazines that reflect yours dreams and where you want your life to go. What would Amanda's new dream board look like? Maybe Ill make one tomorrow.
I want...
passion
purpose
family
community/connection/intimacy
excitment
I can't wait to go to Mexico this year. When can I ever? That ranch represents clarity in my life. It's where I first felt God's calling on my life to live on the edge. It's where I first fell in love with waking up each morning with no other purpose but to glorify God. It's where I first felt used meaningfully. It's my holy ground. I can't think of a better place to ground myself and do some good old thinking and soul searching. Maybe I'll be able to answer the hardest easiest question of my life there. maybe. Maybe it will be life Africa was for me and create more questions than answers. We'll see.
Lord, give me courage to answer the question. I think you're glorified in our dreams. I don't believe you want us to fear them. I miss dreaming, what's going on in me that has made me stop? You are the Lord of our dreams and the One who can make them come to fruition. Father, take my hopes, fears and aprhention and let my dreams soar. You are a soverign God and my heart has refuge remembering that you hold it in delicate balance.
